Roses are red…

The other day, I was looking through old junk in my room. It still looks like a bad episode of Hoarders in there. But at least I tried. I also found some really old journals. I haven’t kept a diary since high school. So naturally I began to read through some of them. There’s a lot of dumb shit in there, as I’m sure you can imagine. Was I really as stupid as those pages would indicate? Apparently so.

I also used to write poems. I thought of myself as somewhat of a poet. But I guess lost that at some point along the way. What a tragedy to the world. I could have been as epic as Keats or Wordsworth or Shelley or Browning. Or Shakespeare or Byron or Burns or Tennyson. And yes, I’m totally just naming poets whose names I remember from my English Literature 12 class. And you know what, some of them wrote random odes to things too. Robert Burns wrote “To a Louse“. I kind of think my odes to my umbrella and my phone are more meaningful that that.

But the poems that caught my eye in this old journal were the simple ones. I had a few pages where I had come up with my own versions of the “Roses are red” poem. Because why wouldn’t I? I think at some point everyone has come up with their own versions of this poem, whether they be good or bad. Side note, did no one ever realize that violets are actually violet, and not in fact blue? I mean it’s right there in the name of the flower. I’ve always had a problem with that. But anyway, I won’t share all of the versions that I came up with. They weren’t all that great. But I will share with you the one that I’ve now deemed as my favourite:

Roses are red.
Water is clear.
You’re still ugly.
I need some more beer.

Yeah. I should really get a job writing for Hallmark.

I guess this is goodbye

You were always there for me.
Whenever I wanted you.
Whenever I needed you.
Always looking so vibrant and so alive.
Always ready for whatever adventure I might take you on.
I fear I may have used you too often.
Perhaps it’s my fault what inevitably happened.
I don’t blame you for one second.
Other were noticing that you were beginning to grow old beyond your years.
That you were no longer beautiful like you once were.
They told me that it was time to get rid of you.
But I refused.
In my eyes, your beauty did not fade, no matter how worn you began to look.
I held on still, for as long as I possibly could.
But I guess this is finally the end.

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So yeah, my red rain boots finally broke beyond repair.  It is truly a sad day.

We need to take a break

It’s not you.  It’s me.  I’ve become too dependent on you.  For so many things.  And it isn’t right. It shouldn’t be this way.  You’ve always been there for me and always been able to make me happy.  But at what cost?  I’ve come to realize that this might actually be a rather unhealthy relationship.  It wasn’t always this way.  But I feel like things have gotten progressively worse lately and I think I need to put a stop to it before things get out of hand.  The joy you bring me is great while it lasts but is often only temporary.  Once the moment is gone, I am either left wanting more or filled with regret.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  I do not want to end things.  I just need to slow things down a little and I think it would be good for us to spend some time apart.  People have made remarks about how much time I’ve been spending with you and have suggested that I leave you behind sometimes.  But they don’t understand how I just prefer to have you with me everywhere.  I just feel better about everything knowing that you’re there.  But I need to stop relying on you so much and in order to do so, we can’t be together all the time.  It saddens me greatly but it’s for my own good and it’s something I really need to do.

We’ve had so many good times together and you’ve always made me very happy.  I can recall times when you weren’t around and how devastated that made me feel.  I never want to lose you.  You’re so important to me.  But sometimes I don’t like the person I am when I’m with you.  Somehow I’m more reckless and some may even say out of control.  I don’t want to blame you for this but I do think it’s best that I spend some time without you for a while and see how things go.  I need to not rely on you so much.  I promise I won’t replace you.  I just need to spend some time alone.

I’m sorry to be doing this so close to Valentine’s Day.  Perhaps that was bad timing on my part.  But it has to be done.  I remember that one time you rejected me and I didn’t understand because it had never happened before.  I will miss you. But if you just give me some time, I am pretty certain I will come back to you if you will let me.  I think the time apart will do us some good and it will really help me to sort things out and get my life together with less complications.  Some don’t think I am capable of surviving without you.  I have to prove them wrong.  I know I can.  Life is better with you.  But I need to prove to others and to myself that I am not dependent upon you.  And this is why we need to take a break.

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So yeah, I’ve decided to give up my Visa for Lent.

Elimination of the pennies

On February 4th, the Canadian mint will stop manufacturing pennies. Stores will still accept them as tender, but a new rounding system will be implemented. Think back to your basic elementary school math when you learned how to round to the nearest 5.  This only has an impact on cash transactions, so people like me who use their Visa for everything don’t really need to worry about it.

Last week, I received an email at work regarding this matter. The subject line said “Elimination of the pennies”. But when I read it, at first I thought it said “Elimination of the penis”. That would have been far more tragic. Although I’m curious to know what an email like that might have entailed.

Alternate titles for my previous blog post

Here is a list of 20 alternate titles that I could have used for my previous blog post,          The Surprise

Surprise!

The gift of a penis

And then I whipped it out

Public indecency

Mini penis cake pop

That special night

I know how to satisfy

Dick in a box

It was tasty

Thank you for the penis

The perfect gift

She liked my penis

True friendship

Mmm, chocolate

Viewer discretion is advised

Put it in your mouth

Suck my dick

Something special

Oh, you shouldn’t have

How to satisfy a woman

The surprise

I wanted to give her something special.  Something that I knew she would enjoy.  All I wanted was to make her happy.  I guess I kind of did it without warning.  I knew that she would love it but I also knew that she wasn’t expecting anything.  She thought we were just going out like normal and that nothing was going to happen.  But she thought wrong.

I sat there and waited for the right time to do it.  Was there a right time?  I didn’t know.  But I knew that tonight was the night.  We were close enough that this was something I could do without seeming inappropriate or scaring her off.  Some may have found it awkward.  But I knew that she was different.  She would appreciate what I had to offer.  And so I just whipped it out.  In public.  She was shocked at first but she liked it and in the end she was satisfied and thanked me for it.

So yeah, I’m talking about last night when I gave my friend a mini penis shaped cake pop that I got from the Erotic Cake booth at the Taboo Naughty But Nice Show in Vancouver.

Nothing says friendship like a mini penis cake pop.

It’s over

I think it’s finally time.  I think I’ve finally had enough.  I thought we’d be together forever.  Or at least a little longer.  I guess I’ve known for a while now that things haven’t been working out between us.  They haven’t been the same as they used to.  But I feel like there was once a time where I was happy with you and didn’t want you to ever leave my side.  I still don’t want you to leave my side, but I know very soon that I may have to ask you to do so.  Because I need better.  I deserve better.

I don’t ask that much of you.  At least I don’t think I do.  Certainly no more than other people in similar situations do.  All around me, I see people who have it better than I do.  They look at you with judging eyes and wonder what I’m even doing with you.  They tell me that I can do a lot better.  And they even make suggestions, telling me that it’s time to leave you behind and move on.  But I haven’t listened.  I’ve told them I was content with what we have, and I’ve defended you when they’ve mocked you.  They just don’t understand.  I thought maybe they were jealous of my ability to cope with all that you’ve put me through.  But maybe they were just tired of seeing me suffer for so long.

You have put me through a lot.  Caused unnecessary stress and frustration in my life that could have otherwise been avoided had you just been willing to cooperate with me.  I don’t know why you began to refuse so many times.  Trying to get information out of you is just such a chore and you’re so unwilling to provide me with what I need.  You know I have needs and they are not being met.  With you, I am constantly left unsatisfied, more often than not.  And it’s a shame because I wish that we could make things work.

I’ve tried so hard to hold on to you and to what we have but I think the time to listen to my peers and get rid of you is approaching.  Not today.  Not tomorrow.  But soon.  I know that I can be needy sometimes, but you’re supposed to be there for me and you aren’t so I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.  I need better.  You can’t keep up with me and my demands and so I’m going to have to find another.  I’m sorry if you think that I’m being unreasonable but you should have seen this coming.

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In other words, I’m seriously considering getting rid of my Blackberry and getting an iPhone.

I wish I had a smart boyfriend like Leonard who would write my paper for me without me asking him to

You know, in one of the latest episodes of The Big Bang Theory, where Penny is taking a History course and Leonard rewrites her paper for her and she gets upset?  I almost wish I was in that situation.  I was supposed to write a 10 page paper yesterday.  I wrote a paragraph.  So yeah, that was a fail. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking, taking a course that required a research paper.  Why do I keep making bad decisions?

Happy 80th Birthday Grandma!

Today is my grandma’s 80th birthday.  She’s one of the coolest people I know.  She bought me my first bra.  She bought me my first razor.  She’s taken me gambling. Whenever we have family get togethers, she’s always the on who offers me a glass of wine.  And then tells me to go take more when I’ve finished it.  She’s a really fun person, and proof that age is just a number.

Few people can say that their grandma is their drinking buddy.  Or that they’re excited to go hang out with their grandma.  Or that they went to Vegas with their grandma.  Or that they saw male strippers in Vegas with their grandma.  But I can.  And for that, I consider myself lucky.

My grandma doesn’t have a computer.  But she has an iPad.  Cause she’s cool like that.  Although I think she mostly uses it to play slot machine games.  So she’ll probably never read this post.  But I’m going to wish her happy birthday on here anyway, and let the rest of you know how cool she is.

Me and my grandma at an Italian restaurant at New York New York in Las Vegas. Yes, we were both drinking red wine.

Happy 80th Birthday Grandma!

Mrs. Claus is so lucky

I was talking to my friend yesterday about Christmas and how Santa was already in the mall for photos. During our conversation, she said, “I want to be Mrs. Claus, cause then I’d know where all the bad boys live.” I’d never thought of that before. But it’s true, why should Santa be the only one with access to the naughty list? I bet after Santa checks his list twice, Mrs. Claus checks it a third time and makes a mental note about it. I mean, what else is she supposed to do while her husband is visiting all the good kids? She’s got needs and it can’t be easy living with someone who’s overweight and has more facial hair than a hipster during movember. Thank God for the naughty list. What a lucky lady.  There must be a reason that Santa is constantly saying “Ho, Ho, Ho.”