If you tell me to do something, chances are likely that I will do the opposite. I guess it’s a bit childish, I’m like a little kid acting out. But that tends to be how I respond, especially to authority. I don’t like being told what to do. But then I’m also very indecisive and have a hard time figuring out what to do in the first place. It’s quite a dilemma really. A lot of the decisions I end up making are counterintuitive. I’ll have the facts, the evidence, and the reasons why I should act in a certain way. And yet I will go and do the opposite. Why?
I don’t think I’m the only person who acts this way. I think we all do it to some degree. I just maybe do it more often than the average person. I generally don’t take criticism well and I guess people telling me what to do could be taken as a kind of criticism. Giving me advice about a certain issue somehow implies that I’m not capable of reaching an appropriate plan of action for myself. But sometimes it does seem like I’m not capable. But I’m always capable, I’m just burdened by a mixture of indecision and procrastination. A bad combination. I put off making a decision. I take a long time to make it. Then once I make it I put off carrying it out. It’s a wonder I ever manage to get anything done.
My university life was counterintuitive. Psychology was by far my worst subject. So did I try to find a different subject that maybe I’d be better at? No, of course not. Naturally, I decided to major in Psychology, despite my lack of ability to do well in any of the courses. And then there was Philosophy, which everyone said was useless. So of course I picked that up as my minor. Working in retail for five years was also counterintuitive. People asked why I decided to work in customer service when I hate people. Maybe hate is a strong word. But I understand what they meant. And at one point I took a job working for UBC Athletics, when I’m really not a big fan of sports. That one, I will admit was a mistake, as it involved picking up trash outside after football games.
I generally respect people’s opinions, I just don’t always accept them. One time I went shopping and found a pair of shoes I liked. My friend gave her honest opinion that they were too expensive and not that great, So I ended up not buying them. But then, plagued by what I refer to as non-buyer’s remorse, I went back the next day without her and bought them. And then told her I did so just to spite her. Well, not to spite her, I just wanted to prove that she was wrong, and that I would wear them. And I have worn them. Probably not enough yet to justify it, but I still have time. Maybe I will wear them tomorrow.
With my Psychology degree, I am still considering the possibility of pursuing counselling. I don’t want to be a Psychologist, that’s way too much school. But I could always do my masters in counselling and see what options that brings me. I have never been to a counsellor myself, although some would say that I should. I’ve also heard that it’s a good idea for counsellors to seek counselling themselves to see what it’s like. But I’m very reluctant to do so. I don’t need to tell a stranger my problems (that’s what this blog is for). And in the past, I haven’t believed in counselling, I was under the impression that you should be able to help yourself instead of tell a stranger about your everyday problems. I’m all for it if you are in pain or truly need help, but not for random everyday problems like mine. And then I thought, why the hell do I want to be a counsellor if I never really believed in it?
Are decisions still counterintuitive if you can back them up in the end? I suppose you can back up any decision though really. Is there ever really any “right” decision in life? Whenever I’m trying to decide on something, someone will suggest making a pros and cons list. I gave up on those years ago, because they always just end up evening out for me. For every pro, I will force myself to list a con, and vice versa. You just can’t win with that. Nothing ever gets solved. But it’s okay. What if my intuitions are actually wrong in the first place? And my counterintuitions are actually right? And all this time I’ve actually been doing what I should be? Is that possible? If you tell me that it is, chances are I won’t believe you anyway.