You know how when a person is depressed, they feel lack of motivation and the things that they once enjoyed no longer interest them? I’ve kind of been feeling that way about blogging. It used to be easier. It used to be so effortless. Now sometimes it just seems like a chore. A chore that isn’t even necessary really. And so I keep putting it off. And no one knows when it will ever get done.
I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s not what I want. I do want to gain back that joy that writing once brought me. I want that excitement I once felt just thinking about it and looking forward to being able to write. Now and then it does cross my mind, but then I come up with excuses as to why I can’t do it or I don’t have time. And if I do happen to have a free moment, I fill it with other things. I’m always out doing something. And when I do have that rare time at home, I give up and concede that my time would be better spent watching TV. When the hell has anyone’s time ever been better spent watching TV?
So productivity as far as blogging goes is now at an all time low. I’m not really sure how to get it back up to a reasonable pace. And I’m not really even sure what a reasonable pace would be. But definitely more often and more consistently than I have been lately. Setting a schedule doesn’t really work for me. Randomness is how I function best. Although randomness hasn’t been working for me either as of late. You know how you tell a lazy person to get up off their ass and go do something? Would it be the opposite for me? Like I need to sit my ass back down and stop whatever I’m doing and start writing again?
When a person is depressed, they begin to wonder whether they even matter to anyone and what the point of their life is. Similarly, I wonder whether this blog even matters to anyone and what the point of it is. Is there a point? Although I’ve never actually cared about it having a point. And I have had a few people ask if I’m still blogging or say that they enjoyed some of my previous entries. But is that enough to motivate me to continue? It should be. But I’m not sure if it is.
Is it ironic that after I went to a blogging conference, I kind of stopped blogging? Not as a result of it, but coincidentally I suppose. I always blame time. I have no time. I was recently talking to a friend about how I didn’t understand how she had time for everything she does. And she told me that she doesn’t, she just forces herself to do things. Which I totally understand. I used to be like that. I still am, in many aspects, just not with blogging anymore. A lot of people would tell me that they didn’t understand how I had the energy to work full time, take classes, volunteer, blog, and still go out as much as I do. And the truth is I really don’t have the energy. I’m tired all the time. But I force myself to still do all the things I want to do. When something is important to you, you make the time for it. Right now I’m just wondering how important blogging really is to me.
If you’re a blogger or a writer, I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from. And it’s not even writer’s block. Or blogger’s block, or whatever you want to call it. Because I have ideas. I haven’t even written properly about Vegas yet. And you know how important Vegas is to me. Time remains a key problem for me. And the lack of motivation stems from me doubting my abilities as a writer. I feel like I used to be better than this too. I am better than this. So why won’t it show in my writing any longer? I know everyone has self doubt at some point, no matter how good they are.
I think I’m going to try and find the time for this. Try, being to key word. Wish me luck. Or don’t. Are people actually more likely to accomplish something if someone tells them “Good luck”? Does that really ever change anything or make a difference at all? Also this is very small life goal. Of course I could be putting my time and my efforts into bigger and better things than trying to start writing again. But whatever, I can choose to focus on this for a moment if I want to.
Well, it would appear that I have now written a blog post. Kind of wordy one. And possibly whiny. Is it whiny? I can’t actually tell. I’m hoping it’s not because I hate it when people are whiny. Does this fact that I just wrote a blog post mean that maybe I’m taking a step towards coming out of my blogging depression? Only time will tell.