In defence of narcissism

(I just spent a few minutes distraught over the spelling of the word “defence.”  I actually like the look of “defense” better.  But defense is the American way, and defence is the British and Canadian way.  So I guess I’ll have to stick with that.)

I’m a self-identified narcissist.  I wasn’t always.  No one has actually ever outright told me that I was a narcissist.  A few may have strongly implied it.  My friend asked me why I thought I was narcissistic and I asked “Would a non-narcissistic person post daily selfies of herself?”  Well, would they?  I’d like to know.  It’s more something I joke about than something I’m actually concerned about.  Being too narcissistic is definitely the least of my worries.  It’s not even on my list of worries really.  I use the hashtags #narcissist and #vanity on Instagram whenever I post photos of myself.  I used to actually hate selfies.  Like, really hate them.  I thought they were something that only extremely self-absorbed, narcissistic individuals did.  And then I realized that I am a self-absorbed, narcissistic individual.  And I embraced it full on.

Throughout my life, I’ve always seen things about “learning to love yourself” and “being happy with who you are.”  It’s kind of sad that these are messages that have to be repeated over and over again to such a strong degree, because it implies that a lot of people don’t love themselves and aren’t happy with who they are.  And that’s really sad.  Every person in the world has some degree of insecurity about themselves.  No one is perfect.  I’ll bet even Beyonce has moments when she doesn’t feel absolutely flawless, as shocking as that may sound.  Even the richest and most powerful people in the world must have moments where they wish at least one little thing about them was different.

I feel like the whole idea of loving yourself is embraced by society, but only up to a certain point.  As if you should love yourself, but not love yourself too much.  Because then you’re just seen as selfish and self absorbed.  I don’t mean you should only and always put yourself first and say to hell with everyone else, but you are important.  I don’t think I’ve always been narcissistic.  As I child, I don’t think I was.  I often joke about hating myself and use self deprecating humour whenever I have the chance.  But in order to really pull off self deprecating humour, and to have the ability to laugh at yourself, I think you need and possess a certain degree of self confidence and security.  Otherwise it’s less humorous and more depressing.  I don’t like to boast about my accomplishments and achievements the way some people do.  Maybe I would, if I’d accomplished more in my life.  I also don’t need to post daily selfies.  It’s just something that I do.

I’ve also seen a lot of articles about “learning to do things alone” and “making time for yourself.”  It seems odd to me that these are things that people need to learn how to do.  I’ve always done things by myself and thought nothing of it.  It took a while for me to realize that not everyone feels secure doing things on their own, especially when they are so used to having someone always be there.  Going to a concert alone seems like such a foreign concept to some people.  Like they wouldn’t be caught dead doing so and to do so would somehow be pathetic.  But why?  Why do we feel the need to have someone accompany us to all things all the time?  I’ve been to concerts and other various events by myself and had a great time.  Some people would hate the idea of being alone on a Friday or Saturday night, but sometimes it’s nice to have a night off to yourself to just relax and do whatever you feel like doing or not doing.

One of the main reasons why it’s important to be comfortable with yourself and who you are and make yourself a priority is because you’re stuck with yourself.  Your relationship with yourself is the most secure one in your life.  You can’t take a break from yourself.  You can’t take a night off from yourself.  You are always there.  You are always you.  How awful would life be if you were stuck with a person you didn’t like 24/7?  It would be truly miserable.  Loving and appreciating yourself for who you are, despite your flaws, is essential if you want to get through life and not be unhappy.  This doesn’t mean you have to take selfies, or love the way you look, or shun everyone else.  But as long as whatever you’re doing that makes you happy isn’t hurting anyone, then I say go for it.

I found myself wondering the other day if a person could go to rehab for narcissistic personality.  But I wouldn’t want to go for a cure, I’d just want to go because rehab always sounds fabulous, at least when rich celebrities do it.  Maybe I’m not actually a narcissist.  Do truly narcissistic people even realize that they’re narcissists?  Sometimes you need to be a little self-absorbed, especially if you have health concerns or legitimate reasons that you need to take extra care of yourself.  I think that it’s possible to be narcissistic in a good way, as long as your narcissism isn’t having a negative impact on the people around you, and as long as you are still capable of extending love to others, as well as yourself.

I do realize that today’s society is filled with selfish people and if certain individuals were to think of others instead of themselves for a change, that would do some good.  But in contrast, I also believe there are many people who neglect themselves and don’t put enough focus on embracing who they are.  I think it’s important to strive to achieve a healthy balance of valuing yourself and valuing other people.

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Because this wouldn’t be a post about narcissism if I didn’t include a selfie

That time I almost blinded myself: The most epic staring contest of all time

Don’t you hate it when there’s something in your eye and it stings and itches and you can’t seem to get it out and your eyes begin to water?  That happened to me at work the other day and I was pretty much almost crying in my office.  I know you’re not supposed to rub your eyes, but sometimes I can’t help it because they get really itchy.  Damn allergies.  Also for a long while, my eyes would water every morning as I waited for the bus because the air and the weather were so cold that they had that effect, so it would look like I was just crying when really my eyes would just end up physically watering as a reaction to the cold.  Apparently this happened to my sister recently and some guy went up to her and asked if she was okay, because it looked like she was crying.

Anyway, this all made me think of the time when I went to the Bloggers in Sin City conference in Las Vegas a couple years ago.  It was less of a conference, and more of a get together where I got to do a lot of fun Vegas things and meet an awesome bunch of people who love social media as much as I do.  It was the second day of the conference, and we had our own private party welcome mixer at Serendipity 3, across from the Flamingo.  There were lots of appies and drinks.  And also games.  Because of course with a group of strangers, you’re going to have some sort of ice breaker type thing.  I remember we had to pair up and give our partners 8 second hugs.  I’m not a hugger, but the hugs were good.  The hugs are not what almost destroyed me.  What happened after the hugs was.

Serendipity 3

Serendipity 3

We had a staring contest.  I’m sure most of you have had staring contests at some point in your life.  Because it’s a stupid thing that we do because we can.  Mostly as children, but why not as adults?  But this wasn’t just your average staring contest.  It was literally the most intense staring contest, or possibly contest of any kind, that I’ve endured.  There were prizes at stake.  And good prizes too.  There were 68 of us, and with the exception of the organizers, we were all assigned a competitor to begin with.  Each group would have a stare off, and the winner of that pair would then move on to face another worthy opponent, and so on and so forth until one of us would emerge victorious.

Now, I’m not very good at a lot of things, competitively speaking.  I am terrible at sports.  And pretty terrible at video games too.  I can do decently at a few boardgames.  What sucks is that despite my lack of skill, I’m still a fairly competitive person.  I love winning.  Because who doesn’t?  Don’t we all want to be winners?  Since I have zero athletic ability, maybe this was my time to shine.  Staring?  I was good at that.  Hell, I stare all the time.  Sometimes I space out and don’t even realize I’m staring.  And blinking is so overrated.  I could totally do this, no problem.

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I fared quite well against my first few opponents.  My eyes were open far longer than theirs.  Finally, something I was good at.  I kept on going, beating every competitor who dared to stare into my eyes, for I stared back into theirs even harder.  They were simply no match for my supreme staring ability.  And then, there was Larissa.

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I didn’t really peg her for someone who was so competitive.  Nor did I peg her for someone who could or would make me cry.  But she was, and she did.  Maybe I had gotten a little too cocky by this point and had just instilled myself with a false sense of confidence?  Maybe I had strained my eyes a little at this point from all the previous stare offs?  Maybe Larissa was just a superhuman who doesn’t blink like a normal human being?    All these things would eventually lead to my downfall.

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We stared at each other like no one has ever stared before, our eyes piercing into one another’s as if seeing deep into our souls.  Perhaps she enacted some sort of gaze mind control trick, I can’t be too sure.  Minutes passed by and neither of us showed signs of blinking.  We had our game faces on and would not give in without a fight, no matter how painful.  And it was, indeed, painful.  As the minutes added up, my eyes eventually began to sting.  They were not meant to remain open for this long without blinking.  But no pain, no gain, right?  I could push through this.

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And then came the water works.  Tears began to stream down my face.  No, more like pour.  Rivers just pouring out of my eyes.  But still, I did not blink.  People watched in horror at this spectacle.  Larissa yelled at me to blink, partly because she wanted to win, and partly because I think she was genuinely concerned and slightly horrified that I was literally crying right in front of her.  I was a mess.  And so was my face.  I’m pretty sure I lost more tears that day than on any other day of my life.  At one point, I thought I saw Larissa blink but I was mistaken.  I’m pretty sure I couldn’t see clearly at that point anyhow.  But still I stared on, doing everything in my power to keep my eyes open, despite every fibre of my being telling me I needed to blink.  But as more time passed, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I offered up a single blink.  It looked like I was crying because I lost, but really my tear ducts were just still messed up from my lack of blinking.  Larissa went on to the final round, beating out Kitty and winning the whole damn competition.  I can’t remember what it was exactly that she won.  I think it was a gift card and some cell phone stuff.  Like good tech stuff.  I tried to forget, since I was clearly envious.  The whole ordeal had been a lot harder for me than it had been for her, and yet she reaped the rewards.

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After my defeat, I had to sit for a while.  I know, it wasn’t like it was physically draining activity in terms of strength, but I was still a bit out of it.  And I couldn’t see properly.  Like my vision was really blurred.  I pride myself on having perfect vision and I was worried I may have jeopardized this all for a silly contest.  I made my way to try and find the bathroom, and the staff clearly though I was drunk, because I was out of it and stumbling and my makeup was all messed up.  Little did they know that this was because I couldn’t see properly.  I did my best to wipe away the last of the tears and to salvage my makeup and to gain my vision back.  Luckily, I managed to do so.

I don’t know if it’s possible to permanently damage your vision from excessive eye strain or lack of blinking, but I was so paranoid afterwards, especially when time had passed and my vision was still blurred.  Thankfully, it all went back to normal eventually and I vowed never to jeopardize my eyes like that ever again.  But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t secretly dream of a rematch in which I vowed revenge took back the glory that should have been mine…

Nineteenth day of work selfie

I met my friend for brunch at the Elbow Room a few weekends ago and had time to kill downtown after we parted ways.  Naturally, I decided to go shopping at Pacific Centre.  I realize that it’s not that much of a novelty shopping at H&M downtown anymore, since we now have our own location at Richmond Centre.  But the Richmond one doesn’t have two floors and three sets of fitting rooms.  And I’m just not completely used to it yet.  So I went and bought this dress at the H&M at Pacific Centre.  I ended up coincidentally wearing it on 4/20, realizing after the fact that some of the green leaves on it kind of resemble marijuana leaves.  I didn’t partake in 4/20, but this outfit may have ended up smelling like I did, since I happened to go out for dinner downtown that day.  This light green cardigan is one of my favourite non-bra items that I bought while working at Jacob Lingerie.  I love buying clothes at lingerie stores because they totally work for everyday wear and no one would know the difference.  I remember my manager asking me if I was sure I wanted it and I was.  I’m glad I did because it’s perfect for hot days when you just need something light.  Plus it has pockets!  I couldn’t find a green scarf that day, so I settled on this black Orb one instead.  Pretty much every time I wear green, I ended up including this leaf necklace in my outfit, because it’s fabulous.

Aren’t you just green with envy?

Thirteenth day of work selfie 

I got this purple sweater dress from Bryan’s.  I remember one time I wore it with a belt, and then I took the bus, and then when I got off the bus, I realized I was no longer wearing the belt.  Sadly, the clasp had come undone, unbeknownst to me.  And I couldn’t find a replacement belt the day I wore it here, so I used safety pins to secure the front.  Because I’m resourceful like that.  Like MacGyver. I don’t know where I got the navy cardigan from.  Possible also from Bryan’s.  I used to buy a lot of stuff there, at the Lansdowne Centre location.  I remember my friend saying she wonders how they’re still in business.  Probably because of people like me.  This navy blue scarf with the flowers came in a three pack from Avon.  Which I’m still selling, if anyone cares.  I’m assuming no one does.  I don’t even care.  There’s only so much makeup and random stuff you can order for yourself before you realize you’re not really benefiting from this.  My silver heart necklace is from Payless.  Yes, I buy jewellery at a shoe store.  Because they have a decent selection of nickel free jewellery.  And it was shiny.  I bought this pair of wing earrings from a booth at Fan Expo Vancouver this year.  It was listed under Supernatural jewellery.  Because they’re supposed to represent Castiel.  I also bought a matching necklace, which I’ll be sure to wear another time.  Of all the fandoms, Supernatural is my favourite.  They have their own convention in August, which I kind of want to go to, although I heard from a friend that the people there tend to be crazier than the ones at Fan Expo.  And it’s kind of pricey.  So we shall see.

I’m glad it’s spring and it’s sunny and the weather’s nice, but a small part of me wishes I could go back to the cooler months and wear more of my sweater dresses.

That explains it

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fnerdist.com%2Fonce-upon-a-time-recap-lily%2F&ei=0GtBVcX9MYuuogTYnYCIBg&bvm=bv.92189499,d.cGU&psig=AFQjCNFWGDWpOJ3smr_4TyRNF85rKqgxQQ&ust=1430437154264684Any Once Upon A Time fans out there?  If you’re up to date with the series, you know that Maleficent lost her child, because Snow White and Prince Charming, fearful that Emma may be born evil, cursed Maleficent’s child with that evil instead and had her banished to the real world.  Because convoluted plot lines are an absolute must on the show.  And of course, that child ended up being Lily, Emma’s former childhood friend, who she pushed away since she seemed to cause nothing but trouble.  And now Maleficent, upon hearing her daughter is still alive, has asked Emma to go and find her, so that they can be happily reunited.  And apparently Lily has already since learned the truth of what happened to her, because the sorcerer told her so years ago on a train.  How did the sorcerer even get to the real world and find her?  No idea.  But Lily knows that her bad decisions and the fact that everything in her life seems to be so screwed up is not entirely her fault.  Everything is harder for her, because she was cursed.

I don’t know, when they said she would be cursed with the most powerful evil, I assumed that she would end up being, you know, evil.  Not just a person who makes bad decisions and has a shitty life.  Just because you’re a huge screw up and bad things happen when you’re around, doesn’t mean that you’re evil.  It makes you human.  If she were truly evil, wouldn’t she be more like Cruella, who was just a born psychopath?  When they said that she was cursed with a powerful evil and that her name was Lilith, I immediately thought of Lilith from Supernatural.  Because that bitch was evil.

After watching the last episode, I thought to myself, I feel like maybe I’m actually cursed with someone else’s evil, and that’s why I make bad life choices.  Wouldn’t it actually be great to know that your shitty life wasn’t entirely your fault and that there was someone else to blame?  That every time you made the worst decision ever, it didn’t necessarily reflect badly on you, because that’s the way you were made to be?  If there was such a thing as magic and evil and curses, I feel like that would totally explain my life.

Third day of work selfie

On my third day of work, I dressed in mostly purple. I got the dress from Plenty (one of the first things I ever bought there I think) and the tank from Jacob (RIP Jacob, my last mall job. I remember at one point there were four different Jacob stores in Richmond Centre. Now there are none. I’m glad they waited years after I left before filing for bankruptcy). The sweater is one of the few items I own from Aritzia (I pretty much only enter that store when dragged in by a friend and then proceed to find the best possible sale item). I liked the sweater because of the glitter and the pockets. If I had my way, every sweater would have pockets. The scarf is from Avon (which I regrettably started selling last year if anyone’s interested) and the jewellery is from Claire’s (my first ever mall job).

 

So much shopping and work history in just one outfit.

Second day of work selfie

On my second day of work, I wore a new grey dress I bought at Old Navy with my super cash I had from all the money I spent there before Christmas. My metallic scarf is from a kiosk at Metrotown. My zippered black sweater is from Ross. I got the heart necklace at a Christmas Craft fair at Steveston Community Centre in Richmond. I bought a second ring from the vendor at the UBC student union building because one ring is never enough, despite what Lord of the Rings may have you believe.