That explains it

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fnerdist.com%2Fonce-upon-a-time-recap-lily%2F&ei=0GtBVcX9MYuuogTYnYCIBg&bvm=bv.92189499,d.cGU&psig=AFQjCNFWGDWpOJ3smr_4TyRNF85rKqgxQQ&ust=1430437154264684Any Once Upon A Time fans out there?  If you’re up to date with the series, you know that Maleficent lost her child, because Snow White and Prince Charming, fearful that Emma may be born evil, cursed Maleficent’s child with that evil instead and had her banished to the real world.  Because convoluted plot lines are an absolute must on the show.  And of course, that child ended up being Lily, Emma’s former childhood friend, who she pushed away since she seemed to cause nothing but trouble.  And now Maleficent, upon hearing her daughter is still alive, has asked Emma to go and find her, so that they can be happily reunited.  And apparently Lily has already since learned the truth of what happened to her, because the sorcerer told her so years ago on a train.  How did the sorcerer even get to the real world and find her?  No idea.  But Lily knows that her bad decisions and the fact that everything in her life seems to be so screwed up is not entirely her fault.  Everything is harder for her, because she was cursed.

I don’t know, when they said she would be cursed with the most powerful evil, I assumed that she would end up being, you know, evil.  Not just a person who makes bad decisions and has a shitty life.  Just because you’re a huge screw up and bad things happen when you’re around, doesn’t mean that you’re evil.  It makes you human.  If she were truly evil, wouldn’t she be more like Cruella, who was just a born psychopath?  When they said that she was cursed with a powerful evil and that her name was Lilith, I immediately thought of Lilith from Supernatural.  Because that bitch was evil.

After watching the last episode, I thought to myself, I feel like maybe I’m actually cursed with someone else’s evil, and that’s why I make bad life choices.  Wouldn’t it actually be great to know that your shitty life wasn’t entirely your fault and that there was someone else to blame?  That every time you made the worst decision ever, it didn’t necessarily reflect badly on you, because that’s the way you were made to be?  If there was such a thing as magic and evil and curses, I feel like that would totally explain my life.

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Is there such a thing as blogging depression?

You know how when a person is depressed, they feel lack of motivation and the things that they once enjoyed no longer interest them?  I’ve kind of been feeling that way about blogging.  It used to be easier.  It used to be so effortless.  Now sometimes it just seems like a chore.  A chore that isn’t even necessary really.  And so I keep putting it off.  And no one knows when it will ever get done.

I don’t know why I feel this way.  It’s not what I want.  I do want to gain back that joy that writing once brought me.  I want that excitement I once felt just thinking about it and looking forward to being able to write.  Now and then it does cross my mind, but then I come up with excuses as to why I can’t do it or I don’t have time.  And if I do happen to have a free moment, I fill it with other things.  I’m always out doing something.  And when I do have that rare time at home, I give up and concede that my time would be better spent watching TV.  When the hell has anyone’s time ever been better spent watching TV?

So productivity as far as blogging goes is now at an all time low.  I’m not really sure how to get it back up to a reasonable pace.  And I’m not really even sure what a reasonable pace would be.  But definitely more often and more consistently than I have been lately.  Setting a schedule doesn’t really work for me.  Randomness is how I function best.  Although randomness hasn’t been working for me either as of late.  You know how you tell a lazy person to get up off their ass and go do something?  Would it be the opposite for me?  Like I need to sit my ass back down and stop whatever I’m doing and start writing again?

When a person is depressed, they begin to wonder whether they even matter to anyone and what the point of their life is.  Similarly, I wonder whether this blog even matters to anyone and what the point of it is.  Is there a point?  Although I’ve never actually cared about it having a point.  And I have had a few people ask if I’m still blogging or say that they enjoyed some of my previous entries.  But is that enough to motivate me to continue?  It should be.  But I’m not sure if it is.

Is it ironic that after I went to a blogging conference, I kind of stopped blogging?  Not as a result of it, but coincidentally I suppose.  I always blame time.  I have no time.  I was recently talking to a friend about how I didn’t understand how she had time for everything she does.  And she told me that she doesn’t, she just forces herself to do things.  Which I totally understand.  I used to be like that.  I still am, in many aspects, just not with blogging anymore.  A lot of people would tell me that they didn’t understand how I had the energy to work full time, take classes, volunteer, blog, and still go out as much as I do.  And the truth is I really don’t have the energy.  I’m tired all the time.  But I force myself to still do all the things I want to do.  When something is important to you, you make the time for it.  Right now I’m just wondering how important blogging really is to me.

If you’re a blogger or a writer, I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from.  And it’s not even writer’s block.  Or blogger’s block, or whatever you want to call it.  Because I have ideas.  I haven’t even written properly about Vegas yet.  And you know how important Vegas is to me.  Time remains a key problem for me.  And the lack of motivation stems from me doubting my abilities as a writer.  I feel like I used to be better than this too.  I am better than this.  So why won’t it show in my writing any longer?  I know everyone has self doubt at some point, no matter how good they are.

I think I’m going to try and find the time for this.  Try, being to key word.  Wish me luck.  Or don’t.  Are people actually more likely to accomplish something if someone tells them “Good luck”?  Does that really ever change anything or make a difference at all?  Also this is very small life goal.  Of course I could be putting my time and my efforts into bigger and better things than trying to start writing again.  But whatever, I can choose to focus on this for a moment if I want to.

Well, it would appear that I have now written a blog post.  Kind of wordy one.  And possibly whiny.  Is it whiny?  I can’t actually tell.  I’m hoping it’s not because I hate it when people are whiny.  Does this fact that I just wrote a blog post mean that maybe I’m taking a step towards coming out of my blogging depression?  Only time will tell.

I may as well have given up blogging for Lent

Because I’m barely doing it anymore. And it’s upsetting me that I haven’t been able to. I’m thinking I’ll have more time for it in April. Maybe. I’m way behind and will never catch up. But it’s okay. In time, I will once again become accustomed to blogging. Wish me luck.

Truer words have never been spoken

Me: Why do I keep failing?

Friend: Because that’s what you excel at most in life.

I need something from you

When I came home last night, I walked past my brother’s bedroom and we had this conversation:

Brother: Dominique.

Me: What?

Brother: Come here.

Me: Why?

Brother: I need something from you.

Me: What?

Brother: Words of encouragement.

Me: For what?

Brother: Cross country. The race is tomorrow.

Usually when someone needs something from me it’s money or help with homework or something. That may have been the first time someone’s asked me for “words of encouragement”. So I wished him good luck. That sucks that they had to run in the rain. But good for him. The only time I run willingly in the rain is to catch a bus. And I remember struggling through the 100 metre race at our mandatory track meets. No way in hell would I join cross country. And there’s my brother, willingly running long distances. Apparently they had to do laps around Garry Point Park. I wonder how he did.

I have a midterm in less than an hour

The smart thing to do would be to try and review something before the exam. But for some reason, I thought it would be a better idea to log onto WordPress and write a blog post about how I don’t want to study. Priorities.