Is there such a thing as blogging depression?

You know how when a person is depressed, they feel lack of motivation and the things that they once enjoyed no longer interest them?  I’ve kind of been feeling that way about blogging.  It used to be easier.  It used to be so effortless.  Now sometimes it just seems like a chore.  A chore that isn’t even necessary really.  And so I keep putting it off.  And no one knows when it will ever get done.

I don’t know why I feel this way.  It’s not what I want.  I do want to gain back that joy that writing once brought me.  I want that excitement I once felt just thinking about it and looking forward to being able to write.  Now and then it does cross my mind, but then I come up with excuses as to why I can’t do it or I don’t have time.  And if I do happen to have a free moment, I fill it with other things.  I’m always out doing something.  And when I do have that rare time at home, I give up and concede that my time would be better spent watching TV.  When the hell has anyone’s time ever been better spent watching TV?

So productivity as far as blogging goes is now at an all time low.  I’m not really sure how to get it back up to a reasonable pace.  And I’m not really even sure what a reasonable pace would be.  But definitely more often and more consistently than I have been lately.  Setting a schedule doesn’t really work for me.  Randomness is how I function best.  Although randomness hasn’t been working for me either as of late.  You know how you tell a lazy person to get up off their ass and go do something?  Would it be the opposite for me?  Like I need to sit my ass back down and stop whatever I’m doing and start writing again?

When a person is depressed, they begin to wonder whether they even matter to anyone and what the point of their life is.  Similarly, I wonder whether this blog even matters to anyone and what the point of it is.  Is there a point?  Although I’ve never actually cared about it having a point.  And I have had a few people ask if I’m still blogging or say that they enjoyed some of my previous entries.  But is that enough to motivate me to continue?  It should be.  But I’m not sure if it is.

Is it ironic that after I went to a blogging conference, I kind of stopped blogging?  Not as a result of it, but coincidentally I suppose.  I always blame time.  I have no time.  I was recently talking to a friend about how I didn’t understand how she had time for everything she does.  And she told me that she doesn’t, she just forces herself to do things.  Which I totally understand.  I used to be like that.  I still am, in many aspects, just not with blogging anymore.  A lot of people would tell me that they didn’t understand how I had the energy to work full time, take classes, volunteer, blog, and still go out as much as I do.  And the truth is I really don’t have the energy.  I’m tired all the time.  But I force myself to still do all the things I want to do.  When something is important to you, you make the time for it.  Right now I’m just wondering how important blogging really is to me.

If you’re a blogger or a writer, I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from.  And it’s not even writer’s block.  Or blogger’s block, or whatever you want to call it.  Because I have ideas.  I haven’t even written properly about Vegas yet.  And you know how important Vegas is to me.  Time remains a key problem for me.  And the lack of motivation stems from me doubting my abilities as a writer.  I feel like I used to be better than this too.  I am better than this.  So why won’t it show in my writing any longer?  I know everyone has self doubt at some point, no matter how good they are.

I think I’m going to try and find the time for this.  Try, being to key word.  Wish me luck.  Or don’t.  Are people actually more likely to accomplish something if someone tells them “Good luck”?  Does that really ever change anything or make a difference at all?  Also this is very small life goal.  Of course I could be putting my time and my efforts into bigger and better things than trying to start writing again.  But whatever, I can choose to focus on this for a moment if I want to.

Well, it would appear that I have now written a blog post.  Kind of wordy one.  And possibly whiny.  Is it whiny?  I can’t actually tell.  I’m hoping it’s not because I hate it when people are whiny.  Does this fact that I just wrote a blog post mean that maybe I’m taking a step towards coming out of my blogging depression?  Only time will tell.

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I’ve been neglecting my one true love

Surprisingly, I’m not even talking about TV. Shocking, I know. I love more than just TV. Even if I do often refer to it as my boyfriend. And no, it’s not my phone. My phone had a chance but it just keeps disappointing me. And it’s not food either. Or shoes. Or strippers.

So who or what am I talking about? Let’s face it, it’s obviously a what. Of course I would never express my love for an actual person. What do you take me for, a normal human being? Clearly that’s not the case.

What is my one true love? Writing. It always has been, though we have drifted apart at certain times in my life. But I am always happy to reconnect with it.

I don’t know why I haven’t had the time lately. I don’t think I have any more of a life right now than I did at this time last year. And I feel like I was writing a lot more at this time last year. It’s hard to find a balance between life and writing about life.

It’s sad that when I do have free moments in time, other things will often win out over writing. Like watching TV. I guess it’s because TV requires no effort from me whatsoever and can be completely mindless. Not that I don’t often sit and write mindlessly, because I do, but it’s a different form of mindlessness. And I feel better about it. Unlike watching TV, writing allows me to be a part of the process, and to have accomplished something in the end. It doesn’t even matter if it’s good or if anyone reads it. All that matters is I’ve done something that’s my own.

Unlike shoe shopping, or any kind of shopping, writing costs me nothing. Except time. But I enjoy that time immensely. Some people think it’s a waste, but I don’t think anything is a waste if you enjoy it. I think it would be more of a waste for me not to write.

How I spend my Tuesdays

Today I experienced a bit of deja vu as I was nearing the end of my day.  I seem to have my Tuesday routine down: work, volunteer, miss the bus, Fresh Slice, London Drugs.  In that order.  Except that the Fresh Slice and London Drugs are interchangeable as to the times they occur in that sequence (side note: every time I try to type “Fresh Slice”, I always end up typing “Fresh Slive” instead.  What the hell?  I don’t seem to mess up the “c” and the “v” keys when typing any other words.  I don’t know what the problem is here).

And by routine, I of course mean two Tuesdays in a row.  Crazy, I know.  Maybe the fact that I’ve blogged about it twice makes it seem as though it’s happened more often.  I should actually add to the end of that sequence: come home, eat, watch tv, blog, herbal tea, attempt to sleep, sleep.  Except eat is often repeated after TV, and sometimes after blog.  And sometimes simultaneously occurs along with TV and herbal tea.

Last Tuesday, before I missed the bus, I ran for said bus, knowing all too well that it would not be there when I reached the stop.  Today was similar.  I looked out the window of the Canada Line and saw the 401 sitting there.  I forced the person beside me to get up sooner than he would have liked, so I could assume my position as close to the doors as possible when we pulled to the station.  But instead of running, I fast walked.  Made like I was in a hurry, but not too much of a hurry.  Because I knew that I would miss it, and didn’t want to look like an idiot again when it happened.  But a small part of me hoped that maybe, just maybe, it would stay, and that part of me made me move just a wee bit quicker.

And I noticed other people rushing as well (Oh wait, I lied.  When I tried to type “noticed” I ended up typing “notived”.  Guess I do have a general problem with the “c” and “v” keys after all).  I figured the other people must be trying to catch the bus as well, and if they do indeed make it, they can hold it for me.  But alas, they did not make it either.  Or maybe they weren’t actually running for it.  Maybe they just felt the urge to exercise spontaneously?  Either way, I missed the bus again.  But the fact that I didn’t run this time made it less disappointing.

And of course it also allowed me to make stops at both Fresh Slice (I spelled it right on the first try that time!) and London Drugs.  I was again worried I might miss the next bus while shopping, so I hurried myself to get what I needed, bought my shampoo, and walked back to the bus stop.  Yes, I know I just bought shampoo at London Drugs last Tuesday, so why did I need to buy more.  No, this was not another soap incident.  I will explain in a later post why I felt the need to buy more.

I think this Tuesday tradition that I’ve set up for myself may end here.  Even though it’s only just begun.  My work and volunteer schedules may change.  Which will in turn affect my Fresh Slice and London Drugs frequenting.  Sad, I know.  But maybe it’s for the best.  Maybe I can begin a new routine.  One where I don’t miss the bus, perhaps?  I can dare to dream.